John Kubal is a writer at the Brookings Register and a 35–year Navy veteran.

It’s that time of year. We’re seeing a near endless lineup of Hallmark Christmas-Without-Jesus movies: silly, secular and seasonal nonsense in two-hour blocks that end at the last minute (literally) with a kiss that seals a handsome young man and beautiful young woman together — forever, I guess.

Over the two hours of what might be considered a typical Hallmark Christmas movie, a man, who’s a widower with a precocious youngster, meets and finds the love of his life in a woman who is engaged to be married but is slowly realizing that  her husband-to-be is lacking that indefinable something that would make him a good husband and father.

Along the way wise and respected elders, quite possibly the woman’s parents, both youthful and attractive and not looking much older than their daughter, offer sage but brief words of wisdom: “If it’s meant to be, your heart will tell you … love will have its way … his son (daughter) likes you and that says a lot about him …  Rasputin (her fiancé) is a good man and we like him but do you really love him?”

It doesn’t take a viewer very far into this movie to realize Rasputin will be diplomatically and dramatically thrown, now unengaged, under the bus as handsome widower and beautiful woman who found each other will seal their newly found loves and lives with the last-minute deal-sealing kiss.

It’s been a few years since I did a Corner on Hallmark’s “Countdown to Christmas.” It was time for a refresher course on this uniquely American genre. Bryant News, published by Bryant University, a private school in Smithfield, Rhode Island, gave me a good overview via Tom Zammarelli, communication and language studies senior lecturer who teaches “Film Genre Studies.”

The Bryant News article notes that the Hallmark Channel claims its “target audience is women between ages 18 to 34," though Zammarelli says the average age of viewers lands in the late 40s to early 50s. I wouldn’t argue with that, but I would add to that some women who are even older — I know women in their 80s who are avid Hallmark fans. (I would add that I know no men of any age who admit to watching Hallmark Christmas movies. OK. Maybe a few men watch a bit of Hallmark to stay in their wives’ good graces. “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”)

“He (Zammarelli) adds that people watch these movies because they love love — no matter how unrealistic the depiction. … People watch Hallmark movies because they’re optimistic. There’s so much negativity and divisiveness today, but you turn on one of those movies and there’s a certain hope there.”

However, the article does note that Hallmark movies are “too unrealistic for some. Many people dislike Hallmark movies for their cheesiness, clichés, and unrealistic plots, and Zammarelli could name an abundance of memes and Tik Tok videos that poke fun at this genre.”

The Hallmark “Countdown to Christmas” lineup of of movies got me to thinking of Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon: “Where the women are strong, the men are good looking and the children are all above average.”

Hallmark is all of that and more: The Hallmark characters regardless of their age are pretty much physical perfection. No ordinary looking women; no bald men; no people with disabilities. Even the older, wiser characters don’t look older, although they may have gray hair. And the children, always precocious, are bright and full of wisdom beyond their years. They will show off how above average they are in an annual Christmas pageant — which will of course be very secular, although there might be a carol or two that hint of a religious theme. But don’t look for a birth-of-Jesus theme. 

As to the settings of Hallmark cities and towns, everything speaks of winter wonderland: just enough snow — never completely shoveled off sidewalks — to look like winter, but not cold enough to deter the characters from being stylish without being bundled up by too much real winter clothing. No need for hats, caps, gloves or mufflers. And the Christmas decorations, secular of course, are in overabundance. They’re everywhere, in public places and private homes — all of them large and opulent. No one in Hallmarktown lives in a studio apartment.

One thing I did find out that I didn’t know about Hallmark is that it has produced some Hanukkah movies over the years. I haven’t actually seen any of them, but I took a closer look at what critics and viewers thought about three of them: “Hanukkah on Rye,” aired in 2022; “Leah’s Perfect Gift,” which aired on Dec. 8; and “Hanukkah on the Rocks,” which will air on Dec. 13.

The Rye website tells me: “A matchmaker connects Molly and Jacob, but their new romance is put to the test when they realize that they are competing deli owners. Will a Hanukkah miracle keep them together?” How do you tie a tale of dueling delis to the Festival of Lights?

Leah’s story is that she likes the secular side of Christmas, with its trees, ornaments and eggnog. But she loves it from afar — because she’s Jewish, maybe. She gets to see Christmas up close and personal when she gets to spend some time with her boyfriend’s family in Connecticut. Did they try to convert her to “Jews for Jesus”? But that’s not secular. Humm.

Finally, “Rocks” is the story of Tory, a recently unemployed lawyer who goes looking for the last box of Hanukkah candles (44 are needed for the eight-day observance) in Chicago. Pure fantasy?  With more than 300,000 Jews living in Chicago wouldn’t you think there would be plenty of candles available? Somewhere during her search she ends up in a Chicago bar named Rocky’s where the movie’s website tells me “she transforms the holiday spirit, discovers love, and finds the courage to pursue a new path in life.” Rocky’s? I would have called it “The Mitzvah Bar & Grill.”

Love ’em or dislike ’em, there is a bright side to Hallmark movies. 

They give us older folks some badly needed relief from the far too many aggravating messages that had let us know “the annual enrollment period is here.”

Have a nice day — and a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah.